Press Officer: Hello?
You: I’d like to ask you some questions.
Yes, it’s in respect of your press release from this morning…
Please hold for a second.
[For the next fifteen minutes, you get to listen to “Light My Fire” on the pan pipes.]
Hello, can I help you?
I want information.
You won’t get it.
By hook or by crook, I will. Anyway, I had a few questions about these media coordinators…
Oh yes, the Joyful Noise project.
What exactly is that?
Well, it’s giving some bright young volunteers training in social media, so they can get the message out there. Making a joyful noise, you know.
Social media? So, some middle-aged people who can barely navigate their way around a fax machine are training young people in how to use Facebook?
Yes, it’s terribly exciting, modern and edgy.
What was Jack doing there?
Jack came along to tell the volunteers all about the fantastic job he’s doing with That Other Media Project We Have No Connection With.
But hold on a second, how do you know he’s doing a fantastic job if That Other Media Project hasn’t gone live yet?
But when it does go live, it will be fantastic. Ma Pepsi told me so.
Can I ask you what Jack’s job description is? Does he have one or does he just turn up at anything that catches his eye?
Jack is doing a fantastic job.
So how much is all this costing?
Oh, virtually nothing. Less than the cost of the sandwiches.
There were sandwiches?
So, more than the cost of the sandwiches then? Can you give me a figure?
Let me get back to you on that.
Fair enough. Can you tell me how the volunteers were recruited? Was this advertised, or was it word of mouth or what?
I’m not exactly sure. I’ll have to ask and get back to you.
In the photos, the volunteers appeared to be playing with Lego. Can you tell me what the point of that was?
Oh yes. The red bricks represent the print media, the blue bricks are the broadcast media and the yellow bricks are the internet. You have to try to make patterns. It’s a technique we got from a 1987 manual on all the most recent media training strategies. There was also an exercise with a Rubik’s Cube, but we couldn’t find one.
That all sounds very modern and… edgy…
Absolutely, the volunteers found it incredibly exciting and useful. And at the end of the day everyone got a complimentary bottle of Jack’s patented Oleo de Serpiente.
Well, thanks, you’ve been most helpful. While I’ve got you on the line, is there any chance I could ask you what in the name of Austen’s tracksuit is going on at Brum Oratory?
Please hold for a second.
[Those pan pipes start again… then you’re mysteriously cut off…]