An urgent appeal from your bishops

In a shock move, England’s Catholic bishops have appealed for a brewery – any brewery – to get involved in the organisation of Pope Benedict’s forthcoming visit to the country.

The Most Rev Vincent Nichols, Archbishop of Westminster, said this evening, “We were hoping to mark the Holy Father’s visit with a great big piss-up, and to that end, we are appealing for a public-spirited brewery to come forward. Any brewery will do, as long as it’s game to have a couple of dozen bishops on the premises. I would like to reassure any interested breweries that they need not be put off by the proven inability of the Bishops’ Conference of England and Wales to organise a piss-up. At enormous expense to diocesan funds, we have engaged an events organiser on secondment from the Mr Tony Blair Faith Foundation, and we have full confidence in her ability to do all that stuff for us.”

Archbishop Nichols continued, “Oh, and there’s something else I’ve just remembered. At the bottom of my filing cabinet I found a coffee-stained memo saying the Holy Father was planning to beatify Cardinal Newman while he was in the Midlands, and he’d very much appreciate it if we could sort out a venue. So if anyone has a field or an airport or something like that going spare, we’d very much like to hear from you. Ideally, we’re looking for a place with a capacity of 200,000, and after we’ve paid off the Blair Foundation we should have about a fiver to spare.”

“Any loose change would be most welcome,” concluded Nichols.

Nichols’ statement has been followed by fierce argument as to what exactly the Archbishop means. Titus Oates, president of the National Sanderson Society, said in a statement that this was an obvious ploy by the Whore of Babylon to get its slimy tentacles into the drinks industry, while Chief Wiggum Austen Ivereigh told this blog that there was nothing to see here, folks, and Archbishop Nichols’ remarks simply underlined how swimmingly the preparations for the papal visit were going.


  1. Doug said,

    June 9, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    have they made Andy Newman a cardinal now? So he gets his own ‘imagined community’ at last.

    Presumably, his first job will to bless whatever dead loss he has backed for the Labour leadership contest. His latest choice seems to be Diane ‘suddenly she’s a left winger now’ Abbot.- but it’s still only Wednesday.

    On that note, why does no-one mention that the Milibands look so weird and talk like they’re constipated (posh boys trying not to be?)

    • June 10, 2010 at 12:43 am

      Excuse me, but what’s the point of cussing out Andy Newman on a completely different blog? I grow weary of people who want to continue the tradition of backbiting and pointless sneering on the far left.

      • splinteredsunrise said,

        June 10, 2010 at 8:57 pm

        Well, indeed. And if I can address Mr Divine at this point, you’re entirely welcome if you have something to add to the discussion, but if you want to continue a vendetta from elsewhere, don’t bother.

      • De Northside Socialist said,

        June 12, 2010 at 9:43 am

        “I grow weary of people who want to continue the tradition of backbiting and pointless sneering on the far left.”

        Sadly it appears that for some on the left this may be their only pleasure in life and they will not be dissuaded from such enjoyment.

  2. Doug said,

    June 11, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Sorry, carry on with your Catholic apologetics.

  3. robert said,

    June 11, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    Well I’m a protestant atheist but bashing the catholic church is a bit passe don’t you think? A generation ago it might have taken real courage but now it’s become the liberal orthodoxy. On a whole range of social policies I have more in common with the Pope than with orange liberals. When the church talks about sex the media picks up on it but when the church talks about social justice the media isn’t interested.

  4. Doug said,

    June 13, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    A Protestant atheist?!

    Yes, the poor little defenceless Catholic Church being picked on by these nasty Leftists. ‘When the church talks about sex the media picks up on it’ Terrible isn’t it, the irresponsible media exposing irrational medieval authoritiarian and anti – women attitudes in the 21st century. On the positive side, after Church officlals actively covered up decades of child abuse, the head honcho has apologised, so that’s alright then, let’s move on, nothing more to say. Pathetic.

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