Department of the lowest common denominator

And now for something completely different. The incomparable Madame Arcati draws our attention to a company called “Dapper Dicks”, which makes… well, there’s no way to say this politely… clothing for the penis.

I kid you not. You know when you see people out walking those wee dogs with beady eyes, and at this time of year the dog often has a coat on it? This is the same idea. There is a one-piece garment, in a coat or jacket style, that you can wrap around your member, as well as a rinky dinky little hat that you can stick on top of John Thomas if you so desire. And a mere snip at $45 a go! How did we ever survive without these ingenious inventions?

But before you commit yourself to a job lot of XXLs, it may be as well to mosey on over to the Dapper Dicks website to get a look at what range they have on offer. It may not surprise you to know that, if you’re looking to outfit your knob tastefully in a sober grey suit or maybe a nice brown Harris tweed with blue twill, you will be disappointed. I’m sorry to say that the Dapper Dicks wardrobe does tend towards the garish.

We start off with a Mafia-style pinstripe, and from then on… you have medical scrubs (tip of the hat to George Clooney), a pirate, a cowboy, a fireman and a GI. You may have noticed a theme developing here, but there is still some way to go – by my reckoning, a Sailor, an Indian, a Cop, a Construction Worker and a Leatherman – before Dapper Dicks can boast a full lineup of Village People.

Who exactly is the target market here, I wonder? As a fun novelty item, I can see it. As a bedroom enhancement, one suspects it might be more likely to rouse the Other Half to uncontrollable laughter than uncontrollable lust. Maybe, to appreciate the concept, you need quite a silly sense to humour to begin with.

On the other hand, I can see it taking off big time with male strippers. If you come on stage dressed as a fireman, stripping off to reveal a junior fireman downstairs would be a neat embellishment for your act. And if the ladies love a man in uniform, a cock in uniform might be worth a punt – at least it would make a change from the boring old posing pouch.

The funniest thing of all about Dapper Dicks, mind, is the warning that “Dapper wear must be removed prior to intercourse.” From the point of view of health and safety, not to mention lurid litigation, some people just need to be told.

One final thought: for their next outfit, it would be a hoot if Dapper Dicks could do a replica Chelsea strip. I’ll want commission for that, mind you.


  1. Richard J said,

    February 5, 2010 at 10:27 am

    I’ve spent the past decade without thinking about David Mellor’s face once. Thank you very bloody much.

  2. robert said,

    February 5, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    Didn’t Mellor deny the Chelsea strip claiming Max Clifford made it up?

  3. robert said,

    February 5, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Mind you what else can you expect from a Chelsea supporter…

  4. splinteredsunrise said,

    February 5, 2010 at 5:41 pm

    I was actually thinking of John Terry…

  5. chjh said,

    February 5, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    …as the actress said to the bishop.

  6. Dr Paul said,

    February 6, 2010 at 12:22 am

    Well, I suppose it would make a change from trying to raise a laugh from your girlfriend by the old joke of using your hampton as a towel-rack, but damned if I’d spend 25 nicker on one of these.

  7. BenSix said,

    February 6, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    It is, of course, the only demographic that brings in a profit on latex bodysuits.

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