Decent Voices: The crisis in Zimbabwe

Alan (Not The Minister) Johnson: A lot of people may be asking themselves, what can I do about the situation in Zimbabwe? One constructive thing you could do is donate £100 or $200 to Democratiya. It’s a small price to pay for helping to create the atmosphere where David Miliband can make a strong speech on Zimbabwe. And if we ask him very nicely, he may let us reprint it months later.

Norman Geras: …fails to pick Pathan’s slower ball… Eh? Zimbabwe? Yes, obviously it’s dreadful what’s going on. I was watching Channel 4 News last night and thought it was absolutely terrible. Something should be done. No, you’re not going to get me to say what – that’s a discussion for neo-realist cynics like Douglas Hurd and Henry Kissinger. But, yes, I would say the “duty to protect” bit of the Euston Manifesto covers it. And, what’s really important, this helps to expose those who would single out Israel for criticism, and in particular the anti-Semites running the UCU. Now can I get back to the cricket?

Oliver Kamm: I have unearthed an article by the charlatan Chomsky, headlined “What is going on in Zimbabwe really is appalling.” Chomsky need not think that this blatant apologetic for the tyrant Mugabe has gone unnoticed. I pledge to hound him on this issue until he finally cracks and admits that his entire career has been a fraud from start to finish, and furthermore that I have a much bigger willy than him and that my dad could beat up his dad any day.

Martin Shaw: I sympathise with where Oliver is coming from, but I sort of get the feeling that maybe his fixation on Chomsky is leading him to miss the point, which is after all the Zimbabwe crisis. And the opportunity it gives me to try and finally nail that bastard Pilger. Rest assured, I intend to scour through every word he’s ever written about Zimbabwe…

Francis Wheen: What ho, chaps! I say, what we should really do is drop a few jolly big bombs on Johnny Serb. That should force that bounder Slobo to pull his goons out of Zimbabwe. And if we can winkle those frightful rotters Hurd and Rifkind out of the Foreign Office, so much the better. By the way, have you heard this diverting anecdote about Harold Wilson?

Marko Attila Hoare: Francis is on the right track, but there is much more to be said on the matter. All reputable historians have long been aware that Mugabe was a Serbian sleeper agent. One should never underestimate the resourcefulness or persistence of the Serbo-fascist. But this crisis provides a golden opportunity for the mature democracies to stand up against fascist aggression, by immediately suspending Greece from the European Union until such time as the Greeks can be browbeaten into electing a government that my mum approves of. Mark my words, the West can no longer afford to sit back and allow the Serbo-Greek axis of evil to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.

Nick Cohen: you know who i blame for this that fucking galloway going around saluting mugabes indefatigability its all his fault and ill tell you what else where does that madeleine bunting get off condemning mugabe when its postmodern relativists like her that put him in power in the first place and that johann hari as well its all his fault shit my green biros leaking and what this all goes to prove is that the left just doesnt get islam…

Dave Aaronovitch: I support what the government’s doing. Which reminds me, I must find out what that is.

9 Comments

  1. Ciarán said,

    July 8, 2008 at 5:53 pm

    On an unrelated topic, have you heard that the quasi-Decent Peter Tatchell is to visit Our Wee Pravince to deliver a lecture for Amnesty and tell us how homophobic we all are?

  2. johng said,

    July 8, 2008 at 6:38 pm

    terrifyingly enough i read alan johnson’s bit entirely straight. its exactly what they WOULD say.

  3. July 8, 2008 at 6:42 pm

    Surely the real task at hand is to build a Zimbabwean section of the Fourth International, the world party of revolutionary Marxism?

    Only such a party – armed with a correct Bolshevik-Leninist transitional programme – is able to lead the workers and toiling peasants in a process of permanent revolution to overthrow Mugabe’s rotten bourgeois-comprador ruling class?

    That this blog fails to raise the burning question of the hour tells us all we need to know about Splinty’s effete Cliffism!!

  4. splinteredsunrise said,

    July 9, 2008 at 7:40 am

    Tatchell in town? Now that I’d like to see…

  5. Doug said,

    July 9, 2008 at 12:21 pm

    Or which Tatchell turns up – the Greeny , Islamaphobe or perhaps now something else as he continues his zig zagging ever rightwards.

  6. John M said,

    July 10, 2008 at 7:33 pm

    C’mon now, this is an old trick: hiding one genuine item amongst the spoof ones. Apologies johng, if there is a genuine ditty in here then it must be Marko D. Ripper’s.

  7. John M said,

    July 10, 2008 at 8:47 pm

    PS. Private Eye losing its sense of humour?
    Send e-mail — I’ll forward some correspondence re: a Francis Wheen lookalike that was published a while back. PE editor (deputy perhaps?) saw fit to edit out a (very) gentle little aside about Wheen’s support for the invasion of Iraq.

  8. Ann On said,

    July 11, 2008 at 10:43 am

    The actual rant of the Harrysplace folk on Zimbabwe was even more bonkers than could be imagined. the left as a whole supports Mugabe, because they complain about Israel !

    http://www.hurryupharry.org/2008/06/27/still-looking-for-the-left/

    Bizarrely, they also claimed that even though the SWP had a sister organisation in Zimbabwe, who have been harassed by Mugabe’s forces, the SWP is objectively pro-Mugabe, because they wouldn’t support an imagined armed invasion of Zimbabwe which has not happened.


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