Damian Shellsuit: Hello, I’m Damian Shellsuit. No doubt you’re familiar with my brilliant weekly column for the Blackshirt’s Gazette, where I deliver a scorching critique of modern Britain from the safe vantage point of my luxury gated community in Florida. Or maybe you don’t read it, since if you’re watching Channel 4 you’re probably queer. Tonight we’ll be looking at the rise of anti-Semitism on the British left. I must admit, I’m not Jewish and I know frig all about anti-Semitism, but this allows me a chance to get stuck into the loony left, the Muslims and the nancy boys. My guide on this journey is loony left columnist Nick Cohen.
Cohen: I never noticed a real problem with anti-Semitism in Britain until 2002, when I started to get lots of nasty emails. This was just after I’d announced my support for invading Iraq, but no reasonable person could oppose that, so I’m assuming it was anti-Semitism behind this hostility. Then I started to see anti-Semitism everywhere, with people at Islington dinner parties toasting Osama Bin Laden and trendy bookshops in Notting Hill having buy-one-get-one-free offers on The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. That’s when I decided to research the problem.
Shellsuit: This goes back a long way, doesn’t it Nick?
Cohen: More than most people suspect. Did you know that in the 1970s Gerry Healy was involved in a dastardly plot with Gregory Peck to clone Hitler? At least, I was in the pub with Norm Geras and Paul Anderson, and I seem to remember a conversation along those lines. Or maybe I dozed off watching The Boys from Brazil. Anyway, it’s all in my book What’s Left?, available from all good booksellers, even in Islington.
Shellsuit: This sawn-off speccy bint is former Labour MP Lorna Fitzsimons. Now Lorna, I believe some kebab-eaters ran an anti-Semitic campaign against you even though you’re not Jewish?
Fitzsimons: Yes, some Muslims put a leaflet around Rochdale calling me a Zionist, just because I was in the Labour Friends of Israel. It lost me my seat, but luckily I got a job heading a pro-Israel lobby group.
Shellsuit: And you’ve had trouble with the loony left as well?
Fitzsimons: When I was democratically elected leader of Britain’s students, the SWP forced me to apologise for slandering Tony Cliff. How was I to know he was Jewish? I just repeated what the UJS told me.
Shellsuit: The Socialist Workers Party are a deeply sinister outfit, and they’re probably all shirtlifters as well. Let’s hear from a close friend of mine who was seduced by them as a young man.
Garry Bullshit (for it is he): They made me stand outside Willesden Green tube station and sell papers on a Saturday afternoon, even when it was raining. And they hated white working-class culture, which you can get a good sample of on my CD Strength Through Oi! (Takes out onion) I still haven’t got over my shocking experiences with the SWP – these totalitarians used to call me Bluto and made fun of me for liking Jim Davidson.
Cohen: And I’ll tell you something else. French postmodernist philosophers have been in league with the Islamofascists for decades. In fact, I have it on good authority that Jean Baudrillard was trained as a sleeper agent by Sayyid Qutb. Or at least my mate Francis said something like that in the pub. It’s all in my book.
Shellsuit: I’m joined by distinguished lawyer Anthony Julius. Anthony, you’re an expert on left anti-Semitism?
Julius: As a distinguished lawyer, I am known worldwide for my brilliant forensic mind. And I wrote a PhD thesis on TS Eliot and anti-Semitism, so I can infallibly spot coded anti-Semitic innuendo. Now I direct you to this newspaper, the Socialist Worker. You will notice the headline saying “Tax the rich”. This is obviously code for “Kill the Jews”. What is more, my attention has been drawn to an article in the London Review of Books saying “Maybe Israel’s use of torture isn’t totally ethical”. I have teamed up with distinguished lawyer Alan Dershowitz to investigate these anti-Semites and bring them to heel.
Shellsuit: And these intellectuals are banana benders, aren’t they?
Julius: Is that code for Jews?
Shellsuit: I’m joined by Ed Husain, who used to be an Islamonazi but saw the light and now supports the War on Terror. Ed, you have personal experience of Muslim anti-Semitism?
Husain: Yes, I went to an al-Muhajiroun meeting where Omar Bakri said it was a pious act to wage jihad against the Zionists.
Shellsuit: This Bakri, was he a woofter? Did he try to bugger you?
Husain: Pardon me?
Cohen: And I’ll tell you something else. The so-called Guardian may seem like a harmless liberal newspaper, but it’s really a wholly-owned propaganda vehicle for al-Qaeda and Alan Rusbridger is a crack assassin trained by the Serbian secret service no that doesn’t sound right I must ask Attila well anyway it’s all in my book.
Shellsuit: So there you have it. The danger posed to Britain’s law-abiding Jewish community by pinkos, towelheads and bum bandits who abuse our tolerance. My name’s Damian Shellsuit, good night.