The Splintered Sunrise preview tape

shellsuit.jpg
Damian Shellsuit: Hello, I’m Damian Shellsuit. No doubt you’re familiar with my brilliant weekly column for the Blackshirt’s Gazette, where I deliver a scorching critique of modern Britain from the safe vantage point of my luxury gated community in Florida. Or maybe you don’t read it, since if you’re watching Channel 4 you’re probably queer. Tonight we’ll be looking at the rise of anti-Semitism on the British left. I must admit, I’m not Jewish and I know frig all about anti-Semitism, but this allows me a chance to get stuck into the loony left, the Muslims and the nancy boys. My guide on this journey is loony left columnist Nick Cohen.

Cohen: I never noticed a real problem with anti-Semitism in Britain until 2002, when I started to get lots of nasty emails. This was just after I’d announced my support for invading Iraq, but no reasonable person could oppose that, so I’m assuming it was anti-Semitism behind this hostility. Then I started to see anti-Semitism everywhere, with people at Islington dinner parties toasting Osama Bin Laden and trendy bookshops in Notting Hill having buy-one-get-one-free offers on The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. That’s when I decided to research the problem.

Shellsuit: This goes back a long way, doesn’t it Nick?

Cohen: More than most people suspect. Did you know that in the 1970s Gerry Healy was involved in a dastardly plot with Gregory Peck to clone Hitler? At least, I was in the pub with Norm Geras and Paul Anderson, and I seem to remember a conversation along those lines. Or maybe I dozed off watching The Boys from Brazil. Anyway, it’s all in my book What’s Left?, available from all good booksellers, even in Islington.

Shellsuit: This sawn-off speccy bint is former Labour MP Lorna Fitzsimons. Now Lorna, I believe some kebab-eaters ran an anti-Semitic campaign against you even though you’re not Jewish?

Fitzsimons: Yes, some Muslims put a leaflet around Rochdale calling me a Zionist, just because I was in the Labour Friends of Israel. It lost me my seat, but luckily I got a job heading a pro-Israel lobby group.

Shellsuit: And you’ve had trouble with the loony left as well?

Fitzsimons: When I was democratically elected leader of Britain’s students, the SWP forced me to apologise for slandering Tony Cliff. How was I to know he was Jewish? I just repeated what the UJS told me.

Shellsuit: The Socialist Workers Party are a deeply sinister outfit, and they’re probably all shirtlifters as well. Let’s hear from a close friend of mine who was seduced by them as a young man.

Garry Bullshit (for it is he): They made me stand outside Willesden Green tube station and sell papers on a Saturday afternoon, even when it was raining. And they hated white working-class culture, which you can get a good sample of on my CD Strength Through Oi! (Takes out onion) I still haven’t got over my shocking experiences with the SWP – these totalitarians used to call me Bluto and made fun of me for liking Jim Davidson.

Cohen: And I’ll tell you something else. French postmodernist philosophers have been in league with the Islamofascists for decades. In fact, I have it on good authority that Jean Baudrillard was trained as a sleeper agent by Sayyid Qutb. Or at least my mate Francis said something like that in the pub. It’s all in my book.

Shellsuit: I’m joined by distinguished lawyer Anthony Julius. Anthony, you’re an expert on left anti-Semitism?

Julius: As a distinguished lawyer, I am known worldwide for my brilliant forensic mind. And I wrote a PhD thesis on TS Eliot and anti-Semitism, so I can infallibly spot coded anti-Semitic innuendo. Now I direct you to this newspaper, the Socialist Worker. You will notice the headline saying “Tax the rich”. This is obviously code for “Kill the Jews”. What is more, my attention has been drawn to an article in the London Review of Books saying “Maybe Israel’s use of torture isn’t totally ethical”. I have teamed up with distinguished lawyer Alan Dershowitz to investigate these anti-Semites and bring them to heel.

Shellsuit: And these intellectuals are banana benders, aren’t they?

Julius: Is that code for Jews?

Shellsuit: I’m joined by Ed Husain, who used to be an Islamonazi but saw the light and now supports the War on Terror. Ed, you have personal experience of Muslim anti-Semitism?

Husain: Yes, I went to an al-Muhajiroun meeting where Omar Bakri said it was a pious act to wage jihad against the Zionists.

Shellsuit: This Bakri, was he a woofter? Did he try to bugger you?

Husain: Pardon me?

Cohen: And I’ll tell you something else. The so-called Guardian may seem like a harmless liberal newspaper, but it’s really a wholly-owned propaganda vehicle for al-Qaeda and Alan Rusbridger is a crack assassin trained by the Serbian secret service no that doesn’t sound right I must ask Attila well anyway it’s all in my book.

Shellsuit: So there you have it. The danger posed to Britain’s law-abiding Jewish community by pinkos, towelheads and bum bandits who abuse our tolerance. My name’s Damian Shellsuit, good night.

21 Comments

  1. Ed Hayes said,

    July 9, 2007 at 10:50 am

    Its interesting, if annoying, how right-wingers like Littlejohn have adopted Zionism as a touchstone for their politics. In the 1930s most Littlejohn conservatives were violently anti-semitic, because Jews were immigrants, aliens and probably reds. A similar thing has happened here with Eoghan Harris, Kevin Myers etc.

  2. splinteredsunrise said,

    July 9, 2007 at 11:15 am

    Over here I think the Cruiser was the pioneer… Not that there’s any real contradiction between anti-Semitism and Zionism. A lot of the Zionist movement’s early goyishe patrons having reckoned this was a good way to get the Jews out of their own countries.

  3. splinteredsunrise said,

    July 9, 2007 at 11:16 am

    Not, let me clarify, that I’m calling the Cruiser anti-Semitic. What I mean is, he was the first Irish commentator I can think of who went wholeheartedly Zionist.

  4. Ed Hayes said,

    July 9, 2007 at 11:26 am

    You might be right about CCO’B. He is also an intellectual figurehead for the likes of Harris etc. But a more obscure source of Zionist apolegetics was the BICO who were pro-Israel long before it was fashionable (on the left at least). Some of the fomer BICO still hold this view while the Irish Political Review people have thrown the baby out with the bathwater on this subject as well as many oters. The IPR published an article by Desmond Fennell earlier this year on the ‘special position of the Jews’ which was ‘interesting’ to say the least, a kind of well ‘if everyone picks on them there must be a reason type of thing.’

  5. splinteredsunrise said,

    July 9, 2007 at 11:38 am

    Yes, we tend to overlook the BICO. I actually find the IPR compulsive reading these days, and it makes sense they would be publishing Des.

  6. Idris of Dungiven said,

    July 9, 2007 at 1:39 pm

    I went off the IPR when I flicked through an issue of QUB bookshop only to find an article claiming that the Rwandan genocide was an invention of the RPF regime. Now, it’s fine to argue that Kagame’s regime is using the genocide for its own ends, but it’s certainly not fine to argue that the genocide didn’t happen. Anyone who spirals off into David Irving territory like that was probably always a daftie – like Eoghan Harris for example. (I don’t mean EH was a denier, but he was always daft).

  7. Ed Hayes said,

    July 9, 2007 at 1:54 pm

    I think the IPR are a bit daft alright, but also deliberatly provocative. Manus O’Riordan for example, who wrote quite a lot on anti-semitism and the Irish republican movement in the 1980s would now defend Sean Russell and make excuses for a lot of republican’s dodgy elements. The IPR is also basically anti-immigration.

  8. chekov said,

    July 9, 2007 at 6:06 pm

    I was delighted to add the IPR to my collection of printed denunciations this month* – it gets pride of place alongside my recent hibernian denunciation. I’d categorise both groups as being towards the summit of the Irish political mentalist league table. If I can manage to get the sparts and the 911-conspiranoids to print a denunciation, then I’ll have the full set of the premier league outfits and can move onto the next-looniest layer (of which I’ve already got a nice sindo denunciation and one from Ireland on Sunday).

    [* the quality of the denunciation itself, as distinct from the pleasure that I derived from its existence, was poor – every detail was wrong, including refering to me as a “discarded Irish Times journalist” – wtf?]

  9. splinteredsunrise said,

    July 9, 2007 at 7:28 pm

    The Sparts are easy to annoy. Just call them Pabloite-Shachtmanites revisionists – which they are, but they don’t like to be reminded of their roots. I once went to a public meeting on some subject – don’t remember what – to hear the Sparts denouncing Socialist Democracy because SD’s sister group in Hong Kong was supporting democratic elections. SD seemed bemused, and unaware they had a group in Hong Kong.

    You know, it’s a pity the CPI(ML) and the Gerry Healy group aren’t around any more. You don’t really get the class of denunciation you used to. The CPI(ML) – who all seemed to be British expats at Trinity – were deadly crack.

  10. Ciarán said,

    July 9, 2007 at 8:12 pm

    Ed: “Manus O’Riordan for example, who wrote quite a lot on anti-semitism and the Irish republican movement in the 1980s would now defend Sean Russell and make excuses for a lot of republican’s dodgy elements.

    Don’t you mean the 1930s?

  11. WorldbyStorm said,

    July 9, 2007 at 9:29 pm

    Ah the CPI-ML. Gone, but not forgotten. Tommy now has a real career as editor of History Ireland where the more revanchist policies of the CPI-ML are never mentioned – or even the less revanchist come to think of it.

    The IPR passed me by until this evening, although Athol books hadn’t. I’m not really up to taking out an internet subscription but there are free downloads of 2004/5 issues… Fascinating – in more ways than one – review by Clifford of Ferriters history of Ireland…

  12. chekov said,

    July 9, 2007 at 10:02 pm

    I only paid any attention to the IPR after reading this barmy thread on indymedia: http://ie.indymedia.org/article/82476

    You can pick up a copy in books upstairs on college green.

  13. Ryan said,

    July 10, 2007 at 1:04 am

    Funny stuff, but at the end of the day you’re still essentially downplaying anti-Semitism. Is it not a problem? I guess maybe it isn’t in the Norn Iron, where the Unionists think they have the same religion as Jews or whatever, but IRL (or at least in France), it’s not that funny.

  14. splinteredsunrise said,

    July 10, 2007 at 7:25 am

    Thing is, in Britain anti-Semitism is very very marginal these days. I don’t think it helps for Zionists to pretend it’s absolutely prevalent in society. If you read the Jewish Chronicle, you would think that British Jews were cowering under their tables waiting for the next pogrom.

    Actually, and I’m not denying that fringe Islamist groups often are anti-Jewish, I’ve found when talking to Muslims that even when they’re strongly anti-Israel they’re quite likely to express admiration for Jews, and wish that Muslims had their success in British society.

  15. Idris of Dungiven said,

    July 10, 2007 at 10:28 am

    When I saw the ex-girlfriend on saturday, she told me that she’d stopped going to Palestine Solidarity events because of the strong aroma of anti-semitism she detected. For somebody whose family got out of Romania in 1941, i.e. at the very last minute before the six million had their fate sealed, you can see how that would be a problem.

    Though mind you, we have come on since the days when my poor grandfather could believe that the Protocols of the Elders of Zion was for real.

    As for the CPI(M-L) I was once talking to an ex-member who surprised me with his knowledge of Eritrea. This was down to his former party affiliation, he said. ‘I suppose the ‘M-L’ bit means you were Maoists, right?’. His response: ‘We thought North Korea had the right model but we thought they were a bit soft’. Takes all sorts to make a world, I suppose.

  16. ejh said,

    July 10, 2007 at 6:35 pm

    barmy thread on indymedia

    Isn’t that a tautology?

  17. July 10, 2007 at 7:46 pm

    […] accident yesterday I found myself on an Irish blog, Splintered Sunrise which has a strange parody of Littlejohn’s programme, scanning through the comments I noticed the particular […]

  18. July 11, 2007 at 9:29 am

    […] beady eye over the Littlejohnson programme on anti-Semitism, and I am gratified that my pre-emptive parody turned out to be only a slight exaggeration. It was like Annie Hall without the jokes. Nick Cohen […]

  19. ejh said,

    July 11, 2007 at 10:49 am

    Shellsuit: This Bakri, was he a woofter? Did he try to bugger you?

    Husain: Pardon me?

    I laughed out loud at this, by the way.

  20. chekov said,

    July 11, 2007 at 11:38 pm

    barmy thread on indymedia

    Isn’t that a tautology?

    I encourage you to put your critique into writing, and publish it as a newsletter.

    🙂

  21. Starkadder said,

    October 16, 2007 at 7:03 pm

    “The IPR is also basically anti-immigration.”
    I was wondering about that. Perhaps they see immigrants, like the Anglo-Irish,
    as a threat to their conception of the Irish nation.
    As for Iris-my late grandmother had no problem with the Jews, but always
    insisted President Kennedy was killed by Freemasons.


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